I need a Reality T.v. Show

Oh god.

2008-09-18T19:37:00.000-07:00

1. Think about the things you do have rather than the things you don't have.

2. Whatever you do have, you could have had less; someone else has had less.

3. Hoping for the best, whilst planning for the worst, means rarely coming out of a situation with nothing.

4. Situations will seldom turn out as badly as you imagine they will do.

5. Don’t worry about the unknown; it’s as likely to be good as it is bad.

6. Never lose your hope, even if you lose all else.

7. If you want out of anything, there's always a way out.

8. Nothing is impossible unless you accept it as impossible.

9. A good attitude will always make a bad situation better.

10. Never complain about anything that you can change.

11. It’s better to say nothing than to talk negatively.

12. The more positive you are, the more positive others are towards to you.

13. Great things won't happen every day but every day has the potential to be great.

14. Your present won’t always match up to your past but your future can surpass both.

15. Decide what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it.

16. Believe in your ideas and actions; follow them through without hesitation.

17. Endless preparation is worse than action without planning.

18. If you think you can then you can; if you think you can’t then you’re right.

19. Believe in yourself and you’ll be to deal with everything that arises.

20. Others will believe in you if you believe in yourself.

21. Hesitation results in missed opportunities; missed opportunities result in regret and dissatisfaction.

22. Do what you want to do; not with doing what others want you to do.

23. Say what you need to say, do what you need to do, and you’ll stop wondering what might have been.

24. You’ll regret not doing the things that you want to do but are scared to do.

25. Dealing with failure is easier than dealing with ‘what if…?’

26. Stop thinking about what is happening to you; start thinking about what you can make happen.

27. Having choices and making decisions is a privilege; don’t waste it by being scared of making mistakes.

28. You have to create for yourself; it’s no-one else’s responsibility.

29. 100% of things can be learnt if you apply yourself a 100% to them.

30. See situations through to their natural conclusions; never giving up because it’s difficult.

31. Dedicating time to things that you’re not passionate about is a waste of that time.

32. Confidence and motivation make anyone better at anything.

33. You don’t have to be the best at something to feel confident / proud about it.

Optimism Confidence Success Relationships Change / Education Other Links

34. Everything you do won't be a success but you'll be a success if you keep trying things.

35. Everyone is good at something and everything has the potential to make you a success.

36. Failing to achieve something in the past doesn’t mean that you’ll fail to achieve it now or in the future.

37. Failing something doesn't make you a failure.

38. The difference between winning and losing is trying again after you lose.

39. Achieving requires patience; it takes time and hard work.

40. Hard work and determination don't guarantee success but they give you as much chance as anything else.

41. Getting up and working hard gives you a chance; the more chances you give yourself, the more chances you have of success.

42. Look at the worth of the things you’re doing rather than the number of them.

43. There are always different ways of getting the same result; help yourself by having options and alternatives.

44. It’s up to you how you measure success (love, family, money, belongings, experiences etc.).

45. Know what you expect of yourself; meeting those expectations, and not those that others have of you, should be your aim.

46. Qualifications, awards and trophies show how you compare to the people around you; more important is how you compare to the standards that you set yourself.

47. Comparing yourself to others is unfair; everyone starts from a different position and each person has different abilities, resources and opportunities.

48. It's not about who wins or who is the most successful; it's about how much progress you make.

49. Surround yourself with people who have dreams, desire and ambition; they’ll help you push for and realise your own.

50. Always be willing to meet new people; they bring new opinions, ideas and experiences.

51. There are others in the world for a reason; depend on them and let others depend on you.

52. Share and deal with your problems; hidden and left unattended they’ll only grow.

53. If you need help, ask for it; people like to help others.

54. Be available and offer assistance when you’re up as well asking for help when you’re down.

55. There are lots of people who smile, love and help others; find them and they’ll make your world a better place.

56. There are enough loving people around for you not to feel unloved.

57. Love and you’ll be loved; laugh and you’ll be laughed with.

58. Making others laugh gives them a break from every problem that they have; it’s a great gift to give.

59. Don’t hoard and hide the things that you have; everything is meant to be shared.

60. The more you get, the less others get; be prepared to compromise.

61. Treat others as you want to be treated yourself.

62. Collectively, the small things you say and do make a big difference.

63. Everything you say and do is relevant and has a consequence, affecting yours and others futures.

64. Think before you speak; give thought to the consequences of your actions.

65. What people do is more important than what they say.

66. People do things for reasons; not knowing or understanding them doesn't make them any less valid.

67. You don't have to be friends with everyone but you shouldn't abuse or take from those you dislike.

68. We are here to enjoy what is around us, not to stop others from enjoying what is around them.

69. For every bad person, there’s a good person too; spending time with the former means missing out on it with the latter.

Optimism Confidence Success Relationships Change / Education Other Links

70. Learn about yourself before learning about other things.

71. Always be willing to learn from other people; from what they say and what they do.

72. Don’t worry about unanswered questions; having the answers is not essential to enjoying the experience.

73. If you know that you're right, don't worry if everybody says that you're wrong.

74. Admitting you're wrong and changing your mind is better than continuing to be wrong.

75. You will make mistakes; see them as part of your education.

76. A mistake made twice is a lesson not learnt.

77. You take and improve from every experience; even the ones you don't enjoy.

78. Today is more important than yesterday or tomorrow.

79. Dwelling on the past means missing opportunities in the present and that adversely affects your future.

80. The easiest option is often to keep things the same, but the easiest option is rarely the best option.

81. Routines hold back progress; regularly change what you do or how you do it.

82. Change makes life interesting; if everything stayed the same you wouldn’t be learning.

83. To fight change is to fight nature; it’s a fight you can’t win.

84. Accept change and be prepared to change yourself.

85. It’s better to be yourself than to change to be like other people.

86. The only thing you can be certain of improving is yourself.

87. Making yourself a better person makes the world a better place.

88. See the world as a good place despite everything in it not being good.

89. Accept disappointment, failure and pain as a part of life, not the entirety of it.

90. Every life is made up of good and bad times; you’ll always be changing between the two.

91. Your bad experiences make you better appreciate your good experiences.

92. Your aim should be to be doing something you love, in a place you love with people you love.

93. You’re free to love anyone, anything or any place; no-one can take that away from you.

94. Value love, health, time and freedom above all else.

95. For everything that you want, consider what it will also take away from you.

96. You need something to eat, somewhere to sleep and someone to love; focus on these essentials and be happier for it.

97. Give what you can; take only what you need.

98. Whatever you need to enjoy your life is more important than anything else in your life.

99. An enjoyable life is preferable to any other life.

100. When you find what you're searching for, the costs and pains of the search become insignificant.

101. There's no one answer or principle that will guide you everyday.

Cultivating Creativity

2008-09-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

GRD 212, W-1:30

9-10-2008

Part A

Exploring, artistry, judging and being a creative warrior are accurate depictions and examples of the creative process. Without the ability to successfully accomplish each of the four the creative process doesn't move as smoothly and easily as it could. Exploring is the first step to being an efficient warrior to achieve the end result. Being a sponge to knowledge and retaining as much of it as possible can only create a better final result. The artist, the creator, and the judge, the visionary, are equally as important to the first step, the last step, and the end result. Without the meat of the creative sandwich, artistry and judging, the bread, the explorer and the warrior, would be just bread. No meat equals no substance. Without experimentation and a critical eye and assessment the warrior cannot amount to much more than an explorer and achieve his full potential. A sandwich looks pretty silly with two separate piles of bread and meat.

Part B

Design and creativity walk hand-in-hand together down the path of success. A design as a whole can be measured by the execution, creativity, dynamics, cohesion and dramatic, influential composition. A crucial factor in the success of design is knowing and understanding characteristics of creative thinking. Creativity as a concept cannot be measured, only tracked through its rigorous and unique outcomes. Designers must pull from the past and draw from history to create innovative and modern ideas. A designer can create and control the environment to condition their creativity; using up-to-date software and creative processes along with intellect and design savvy a designer is adding fertilizer to their garden of success. Creative success can really only be seen and understood by the outcome and the achievement of a designers goals, however the knowledge of the creative process is an imperative asset to possess.

Seven Characteristics of Creativity

I: Receptivity

Listen to the world. Understand the environment. Relate to others and hear what they are saying. No one with a completely self-sufficient mind set ever learned anymore than someone with the ability to interact socially to become successful. The majority of the people in the world don't talk to hear themselves speak.

II: Curiosity

There is a great big world out there, explore it. Don't waste the opportunity for success that has generously been placed in front of us. The ability and the drive to explore can only develop a more in depth greatness.

III: Wide Range of Interests

Being interested in one thing is incredibly limiting. There are too many things in life to take advantage. Why be limited to one idea for the rest of forever, when there is so much more to discover. Expand. Experiment. Evolve.

IV: Attentiveness

Engage with others, pay attention to the details of the finer things in life. Every thing we do can only change the world. We aren't the same people we were yesterday; it is an amazing concept that should be taken advantage of. Knowing that change happens so often is a good cheat sheet in the test of becoming successful.

V: Connection Seeking

We are all related. We are people, understanding small connections between us and the world, and maintaining a knowledge of the basics and defining how we are all related is an easy way to drive forward the idea of your success.

VI: Conviction

Its not the idea of the dance, or the choreography, it is the conviction behind the movement. Influential designers and artists aren't influential because their work was mediocre, they are influental because of what they did, how they did it, and how it makes you feel now after its been done. Don't ever be satisfied for th day to day and routine answers. If you can believe it you can achieve it. Start acting like it.

VII: Complexity

Simple designs come from simple minds. Complex thinkers are what make things interesting and dynamic.

Part C

1. Creative stamina can only be attained through the drive and desire for success in what is being created. The desire to succeed can fuel any designers fire and push them to the creative limits of exhaustion. Good designers can balance and juggle each and every aspect of their life in one hand, and their career and need for success in the other hand.

2. Smart designers are successful designers. They can use each side of their brain without fail. Keeping an up-beat and inspirational demeanor of innocence is essential to a productive and happy balance between creative work life and happy home life.

3. It is okay to be playful with creativity, in fact, it is a career standard to have fun doing what you are doing. There is a difference between job playfulness and life playfulness; the key is knowing the difference and loving each one separately.

4. A designer should possess an ability to ignore stereotypes. Innovative designers aren't known for walking down the same path each designer before them has. They are known for blazing a trail with machete in hand. They don't wait for success to be handed to them, they go out, they chase it. Designers that are truly successful make and maintain their own success.

5. Being social and creating ties and connections to other designers when beginning a project is imperative. Reflecting, brainstorming ideas from one visionary to another is where ideas often grow into something fantastically mind-blowing. Being able to share ideas but still develop ones own concept is another key ingredient to design success.

6. It is okay to love what you are doing, but be prepared to be told the bitter and honest truth. Emotional attachments are inevitable between any designer and their piece; the hardest part is realizing that something you have created doesn't look as good on paper as it does in your head. Move past it, that is what thick skin is for. If someone is taking the time to critique something that sucks, have the same respect to take the time and fix it.

7. Deadlines are an obvious hindrance to anyones creative juices. It often seems that the moment the pot begins to boil there is an infinite rush to finish the soup in time for dinner. Attention to the dreaded deadline is as important as the outcome itself.

8. Graciousness and generosity with compliments to those who have influenced a designer are always appreciated and acceptable. It feels good to know where a designers success has derived from, and to appreciate those who have given directions and were the map to the creative success a designer has found in life. Who wouldn't want the same as a design educator?

2008-09-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

Is your last ex still someone you care about?
Jordan: Mark, and Some Days.
Randi: If he died, I'd go to his funeral. This question is complicated.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a B?
Jordan: Lemme think. Yes. yes i have.
Randi: Noooo. Yes.

What do you do on the weekends?
Jordan: Work

Randi: Work and try to do homework.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Jordan: Randi
Randi: Jordan

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
Jordan: I slept on the couch?
Randi: I wish I slept in Jordan's.

Ever kissed anyone 15 or older?
Jordan: We should change the number to 14.
Randi: That question was wayy dumb, that should be age specific. *Insert C.C. tangent*

Do you like to cuddle?
Jordan: Who doesn't?
Randi: Last night no.

What are your plans for this weekend?
Jordan: Honestly, what else would I fucking do all weekend.

Randi: Work Duh.

What color shirt are you wearing?
Jordan: Grey Notre Dame Hoodie over Blue tank top.
Randi: Black.

Ever go camping?
Jordan: Who doesnt?
Randi: Camping is the best, you get drunk, its so much fun.

Are you someone's best friend?
Jordan: Randi's
Randi: Jordan's

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
Jordan: Tu. Doug. Work.
Randi: Bryan, just kidding. Definitely Brooke.

Have you spoken to your mother today?
Jordan: Have you spoken to YOUR mom?
Randi: Unfortunately yeah.

When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
Jordan: I havent talked to Zach at all today.
Randi: 15 or 16 years.

Have you ever thought you liked someone, and then found out that you really didn't?
Jordan: Yes. His name is Mark English.
Randi: Yes. Brooke.

Where were you an hour ago?
Jordan: Doing fucking homework, er, attempting.
Randi: Homework.

Do you have any tattoo/piercings?
Jordan: Four piercings if you don't count my ears, and count my nipples.
Randi: Ears, and nose, wish I still had the noes.

Do you fall for people easily?
Jordan: No, I'm not Brooke.
Randi: Depends on a lot of things.

What are you listening to right now?
Jordan: Randi.
Randi: Jordan.

Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
Jordan: Only Randi.
Randi: If they talk about Porn. Porn is my..I... awkward. Not jenna jameson porn.

Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
Jordan: You have to be able to justify hating someone.
Randi: You can't hate anyone for no reason.

Do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and you're sure they wont tell anyone?
Jordan: Randi.
Randi: Jordan.

How many hours did you sleep last night?
Jordan: I don't keep a stopwatch going or anytying but Not enough.
Randi: *insert long time story* 6.5-7

Could you go a day with out eating?
Jordan: Yes.
Randi: Yes, do i want to? No.

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
Jordan: Yes.
Randi: Yes. My mom does Drugs.

Do your parents force you to go to church?
Jordan: What is church?
Randi: No, my parents stopped making me when I stopped believing in imaginary friends when I was four.

Is there someone you want to fight?
Jordan: Brooke. Tu. Doug.
Randi: Yes. Brooke.

Has anyone ever told you they were in love with you?
Jordan: Randi tells me every day.
Randi: I am a fag.

Where did you go today?
Jordan: Work, all fucking day.
Randi: Work.

If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?
Jordan: Work. hahah no.
Randi: I would actually go to work.

What is your mood?
Jordan: No mood here.
Randi: PISSED OFF.

Ever been on a motorcycle?
Jordan: No.
Randi: Yes, my mom used to date a bunch of bikers....

Do people usually like you?
Jordan: I hope so.
Randi: People love me.

Who was the last person to text you?
Jordan: Dougals. not a happy text.
Randi: Bryan.. maybe...

Are you waiting on anyone's call right now?
Jordan: I'm already on the phone.

Randi: My phone is dead, it would go straight to voicemail.

Do you secretly like someone?
Jordan: Its not a secret.

Randi: yes.

Have you ever kissed anyone with a name starting with T, J, D, K, B, and C?
Jordan: I have to skip T, Yes, J. Yes, D. K.... Yes, B. C.... Its not a name, its number, but yes T. Moving on.
Randi: No, t. Yes, J. No, d. Yes, K. Yes, B. Yes, C. NO WAIT, i do have D.

I wonder what its like to be a super hero. I wonder where I'd go if i could fly around down town. yeah.

2008-07-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

the look like they're related. like twins or something weird. they have the perfect straight teeth, and shiny brown hair. the pretty done up make up the never cease to over do.
It kind of makes me want to throw up. I can't imagine looking like i'm better than everyone else. i wonder what that feels like. i guess i could probably ask them, but how do you possibly bring up the question.
"Hi." I would say, "How does it feel to look and act like you are better than everyone else? Do you get up every day and say things like 'wow, i'm so pretty' or 'how could i possibly be more of a condescending jerk', i was just wondering how you started your day. Do you wake up an extra 10 minutes or so to make sure your straight teeth haven't gone a little stray from the evening of partying? or how about checking every flawless lock to make sure its in place. Do you ever think about the way you act? How about the people you effect with out even knowing you are doing it? Do you ever consider that you are jerk??"
You probably don't say that last part because i cant imagine you feeling like a jerk. If you did ever feel like a jerk, (on that off/rainy day chance) you would never admit it because 1. you are far too flawless(insert sarcastic giggle). 2. you don't have enough emotion to admit that you are wrong. 3. you pretty much just suck.
I'm probably being judgmental right? I dont really know you. I dont even really know people like you... Probably because i dont associate myself with jerks. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and not mention your names, just so i don't destroy your oh so fragile ego. But on the off chance you read this I don't like you, your friend, or the way you treat some people. Get over yourself.

Tu.

2008-06-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

What question do i have to answer?
What can i possibly say to make it better?
I don't think anything is real.
I want to die.
thank you for making me want to live
and die in the same sentence.
I hate you for that.
You are being so unrealistic.
You are only imagining the way you feel about me.
You're making it all up in your head,
My life is always going to suck like this
I wish someone would have warned you.

2008-06-10T18:30:00.001-07:00

He fucking has NO idea how much I've liked him for years. He has no clue that I fucking go crazy when i see him. I thought for the longest time that It wasn't real. It was a joke. Just harmless flirting. NO. apparently its not. Now he tells me its not. How can I possibly convince myself that its really real. I don't believe it.

He put his hand on my thigh tonight. It felt so real. It felt so right for him to be so close to me. So fucking right. I seriously never would have thought that he was anything that I would ever want to be with. Never. Ever. In a lifetime would i have thought that he wanted me back.

He says im "all talk" "full of it" How could I possibly be anything other than that. I never, ever, once believed in him being anymore than someone that i had a harmless little girl crush on. Now. all of a fucking sudden. Its not just a crush. Its REAL. what i have wanted for years is happening. I can't start it. Or stop it. I want him so bad.

He has no idea how bad i've wanted him. NO IDEA. No clue how bad it hurts. How many times i think about him. I get so excited when he calls. God damn it. He has no clue. I can't believe the way that i felt when he touched me. OH MY GOD. I have NEVER felt so good in my life. I'm scared that no one else will make me feel as good as he does.

He knows me so well. I have crush on him in the worst way. I just cant seem to believe it. I can't let him in. I can't let anyone else in until I give him the chance he wants so badly.

He hasnt called back. He should have called back by now.

What is love but a second-hand emotion.

2008-05-21T19:48:00.000-07:00

Describing love is kind of retarded. How do you honestly define love? Wikipedia says that:

Love represents a range of human emotions and experiences related to the senses of affection and sexual attraction.The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. This diversity of meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

I'm going to dumb that down to my level.
Sentence 1.
Love represents a range of human emotions and experiences related to the senses of affection and sexual attraction.

First key word Human. Does anything besides a human fall in love? Probably not. Why? love is dumb. Sure it feels good. Sure it looks good. But what does it really bring to anyone. I don't think it represents anything but this 'dream' that we as humans feel the need to fulfill. DUMB. Humans, all of us, are kind of dumb when it comes to love.
Second key words "Range of... Emotions". Really?!? Emotion, makes sense right. Love one gigantic buffet of emotion. Literally every 'emotion' can be associated with love. Kind of a lame answer, and probably not the one that wikipedia was looking for. But this is My blog. Not wikipedia's.
Afffection and Sexual Attraction. No other living organism on the planet has sex just to have sex. Okay i lied. the Dolphin Loves sex about as much as we do. Why do we love sex so much? Don't people know that babies come from sex? I was just curious if i was the only one that got the memo.

Moving on to sentence two.
The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction.

Didn't the first sentence cover all of that? Different feelings + States + attitudes= Buffet of emotion. Pleasure = Sex.

Moving on again. Sentence Numero Tres.
This diversity of meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

This is where it gets gooooooooooood.
Diversity of meanings: Everyone sees love differently. It is impossible to properly communicate those incredible "intense interpersonal attractions" the way they really are felt. Maybe thats where sex comes in. But from personal experience Sex feels alot better than Love ever could.
"complexity of feelings involved" You're telling me sister. Complex feelings that constantly kick you in the proverbial nuts. Love. A four letter word. You know what they say about four letter words? Words like Shit. Damn. Fuck. Cock. Cunt. Dick. Piss. Love is also, to me, considered one of those four letter words. I hate love. wow, thats an oxymoron.
Love is "unusually difficult do define" to say the least.

I think that The Feeling says it best in the second song of their debut album 12 stops and home. The track name is Never be lonely....

People in love get fast and foolish
People in love get everything wrong
People in love get scared and stupid
People in love get everything wrong

At least they're not lonely
At least they're not lonely
They'll never be lonely

B-b-b-baby
I think I'm going c-c-c-crazy
Why should I be sane without you (hahh)

They tell me to fight it
They can bloody well just try it.
I'll never be the same without you (hahh)

People in love get special treatment
People in love get everything wrong
People in love their hearts get eaten
People in love get everything wrong

At least they're not lonely
At least they're not lonely
They'll never be lonely

B-b-b-baby
I think I'm going c-c-c-crazy
And why should I be sane without you (hahh)
They tell me to fight it
But they can bloody well just try it
I'll never be the same without you (hahh)
(hahh) (hahhh)

never be lonely
never be lonely
never be lonely
never be lonely (never be lonely)
never be lonely (never be lonely)

Thats about all i have for my love rant.

Ok is alright with me.

2008-04-29T19:27:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking about my life.
I've been okay.
I can't really complain all that much.
I can't complain anymore than I could yesterday.

I'm just so tired.
Are you ever just tired?
I'm not tired enough to just stop living my life.
I'm just tired enough to lag in my functioning.

I need to write.
Its stuck.
I don't know what is stuck.
I don't know what is holding me back from everything.
Right now i feel incredibly restricted.
I don't really know why.
I just want to shake it off.

My theme for the last two or so months has been a Coach Flynn quote
"Play through"
Thats kind of what I've been doing. Just "playing through"
Playing through the pain of being sick and not knowing what is going to happen to me.
Playing through my anxieties about Devon. I guess not just Devon, but boys in general.
Playing through all this Mark shit.
*Side note*
Mark sucks. Jesus Christ he sucks. IDIOT. I cannot believe he wants me to 'love' him again. I wasted so much time on that fucker.
I blame him for my insecurities. Which is funny because I know that I was entirely too good for him. I was the only one not to realize it while we were dating.
*anyway*
I'm trying to play through and not give up.
Even though it would be so much easier to just give up.
I really feel like I dont have anything to live for right now.
I'm not doing anything
I"m not going anywhere in life.
I really dont feel good about myself.
I wish it was different.
I wish i could be happy again.
I really dont remember what it was like to be happy.

Bright lights. Big City. The drive, was pretty.

2008-03-30T18:24:00.000-07:00

Yay for shuffle. It prompted me to blog. Right.
It doth been long time since I been here yah.
I dont really have anything exciting to talk about.

I dont want to wonder if this is a blunder.

2008-03-20T21:50:00.000-07:00

I like you.
I like you a lot.
I've been waiting
Waiting for someone
just like you.
Shh.
I don't want to jinx it
I Hope you like me too.
Shh.
Let's not jinx it.

Spring Break

2008-03-06T08:32:00.001-08:00

Needs to be over.
I'm ready to go home.

I want to rock and roll all night.

2008-02-23T06:16:00.000-08:00

So I was scrolling through my facebook pictures and you can definitely see how my laugh has progressed over the last almost year. Lets talk about it.

My pictures start with basketball. That was pretty much my life during high school. Basketball.
The next picture if from my 18th birthday party. That was officially the closure of high school for me. Everything from that point on was a dire need to get out. I like that picture a lot. I think i was talking about who i should call to play kick ball with us. That night was really fun. I miss nights like that. I need to start having them with my new friends. With the new people in my life that care about me as much as those people did. Lets be honest. Between the end of the year, summer, and college I've lost almost all of those connections. Some of them I'm okay with. I've kept all of the ties I needed to keep to prevent me losing who i was becoming.
Then my pictures go to Prom. That was the end of the life I lead in high school. Everything changed just before prom and just after it. It was nice to be someone new. It was nice to stop masquerading as the girl that my high school wanted me to bed, and start becoming the person I am now.
The next series of pictures, are all pictures from meijer. Our goal for the night was to walk through every aisle of meijer. We still haven't done it. I wish we had. Or at least we would finish something. Maybe it symbolizes something. Like the journey we're taking together, right. It might even symbolize the fact that we shop at two different meijers now. We're in two different places. Maybe even the same places at different times. Maybe if we finish that trip I won't be so up set that she left. She did what was best for her. I'm selfish for being jealous and inconsiderate. But i can't help that. I hope she knows that I can't help it.
After the meijer pictures come the 'first weekend I got to see her since college pictures' i remember how upset i was after the first time i saw her at college. when i went up there with her mom. I died on the inside. I honestly thought i would never recover with out her. I thought I would never bounce back after that weekend. She doesn't know it, but I cried the whole way home. I stopped when i got to schoolcraft. I stopped crying when i realized how trapped i was going to be. I've never cried so hard in my life. That was the longest drive home i have ever had. I hated how jealous i was. I hated how much i realized that i was trapped. How limited I was when i was at home. that was before i met team Jordan. Before I found some of my best confidences in people and in myself. It wasnt until school started for me that i realized that i was going to be just fine. that there were going to be people in my life that cared about me just as much as she does.
The next pictures are of team jordan. I miss those days. I miss that class. I've never taken so much out of a class in my life. I left a completely new and capable person. Part of me wishes i still had it to rely on. But I don't I just have to keep growing. Keep on moving in that direction. I never thought i would carry my head so high.
In those pictures from school there are pictures with her and I and the mona lisa puzzle. that puzzle is still my room. Wasting space. Collecting dust. Just like our meijer trip, we havent finished that either. I gave her the puzzle with the donuts in hopes that she would want to finish the mona puzzle just a little bit more. She hasn't noticed.
I love the pictures that i take with mike. I love him. it is a platonic love but a love nonetheless. On the list of people that have touched my life and helped me become someone i never thought i would be.. he's up there. Aside from the relationship with my brother and dad it is a relationship that i see the most potential to be someone i could rely on a lot. I need that. I'm pretty sure hes okay with being that guy. He's helped me a lot with the whole thom thing. Which i can't read at all. I'm glad he has my back.
the next pictures are from new years. that was a good night. thats about all it was. just a good night. aside from being let down by chad, and the weather being awful. but it's sad that what i remember about that night is how clean my room was.
Flattered. that describes the next big chunk of pictures. Bri took all of those. I was flattered. I like all of them. She did a great job, she's really talented. She's helped me too. I dont know what i would do with out Bri. We're fun. We have fun. Too much fun for some. Not nearly enough for us. She pushes me to be better than her. Especially because I'm wayyy jealous of how talented of an artist she is. Its sad that im so subconsciously competitive with her.
Next are the pictures from the most hilarious night i think i've ever had in my life. the gays are great. Love them Love them Love them.
Last but not least are the pictures from valentines. That is the weekend I realized I was doing okay with out her. i miss her. A lot. So don't get it twisted. But it made me realize that i'm doing just fine. I couldn't live with out her in my life but i'm doing okay now. i've kind of adjusted to her not being around.

I'm want to stand up. I'm want to let go. You know? No, you don't.

2008-02-17T19:25:00.001-08:00

I've been singing today.
A lot of lyrics are sticking in my head right now:
"You're to young for me, but I can keep a secret"
--This is sticking in my head solely due to one person. One person in particular whom I really like. He knows I like him and he's well aware of our age difference
"Somebody wants you. Somebody needs you. Somebody dreams about you every single night."
-- Again. About the same guy. Well maybe not the same guy. Probably all guys in general. I mean who doesn't want someone to think about them every night before they go to sleep. Do you think about me at night? Do you think about me at all?
"What would you do if I sang out of tune?"
--True story. What would you do if I was wrong? Would you notice? Would you acknowledge? Would you be impressed if I changed, If i was different?
"And that's when I decided to break it"
-- You can't measure how over it I am. It's not possible. I want to just break. I want to just say fuck you. But I think you are worth my time. Worthy of my heart. Do you think you are?
"I'll do my best to feel broke down. Give me a minute, A second. I'll wait for you to make a sound"
-- What music am I listening to. Why does every thing bring me back to you?
"Sleep. I need it so bad"
--Enough said.

A thousand promises that never seemed to help me before.

2008-02-08T07:13:00.000-08:00

I've decided that i need to change my facebook about me.
Wow. Lame.
but yet again, i dont know what to change it to. I'm thinking it should be a negative one.
like instead of saying :
I have brown hair : I don't have blonde hair.
I'm tall and thing : I'm not short and fat.

Thats kind of lame.
maybe i should just change it like every week.
Song lyrics would be funnnnnn.
Lame, but fun.

I'll give it a go.
The good ole college try.
Thanks for your input.
Love it.

~~Jordan.

2008-02-04T18:04:00.000-08:00

Thank you for becoming everything I thought you wouldnt.
It turns out you still had your turn to try and wreck me.
Good approach.
Good try.
Almost had me.
Now get lost goodbye.

Keep me in your sights as I walk
Thats right, I'l just walk away.
Not coming back soon enough for you to remember.
Forget me first
Good approach.
Good try.
Almost had me.
I'll get lost, goodbye.

I'm lost in you, with you ,and what you do.
I'd still take you back if you wanted me to.
Thats sad, and pathetic.
It takes more than once for me to learn.
Apparently I haven't learned my lesson.
Good approach.
Good try.
You've got me.
I'm not over it but goodbye

I'm a sucker for a good lie.

2008-01-30T07:34:00.000-08:00

ESPN RECAP

Tom and I rescheduled our coffee rendezvous!!
Yay for us.

Class was uber boring. No suprise there. I really like Karen, but she can be really boring.

Today is a snowday. Thats kind of cool. Except for Wednesday being my favorite day of the week. I would have really prefered to go to class today. I could have seen all the guys and hung out with Bri. Damn mother nature. I hope the roads clear up for tomorrow. I'll be doing a considerable amount of driving.

I caved and called Chad. I'm not really sure why. It was different. The whole tone of our converstation was differnt. I don't know if it was a good different or a bad differnt quite yet. Maybe I'll run into him while I'm at a Grand Valley this weekend, I dont know if that will be a good thing or a bad thing. I just dont know what's going on between him and i, but that isnt any differnt than it always was. Hopefully he'll keep his word and calls me.

I've been talking to Brian, a lot. Wow. I wish we would have went for it when he was here. Now he is sooooo far away, and I feel like trying is a bad idea. But I want to try so bad. I don't know what to do and I knwo i coul write for miles about.

Um. At work. Theres this new girl. SHE DRIVES ME NUTS. I dont like her, at all. Shes training right now. I think she is still in high school. I don't even know if I remember her name. I don't know if i should put it on my blog. I just want to clarify tho, its not an Ashley. I like the Ashleys.

I dont reallly know if there is anything else exciting going on.

I can't stand to think about a hear so big it hurts like hell

2008-01-23T18:53:00.000-08:00

I was thinking i need to really sit down and reflect at the amazingness that was today
Pure amazingness.
It is all too sad that i cannot remember the last 'good' day i had. everything pretty much went right. but then again how can things go wrong when you start the day with donuts.
Yay for donuts.
Bri and I left super early for donuts today. They are always exciting. if you havent experienced a sweetwater donut, you need to. They are incredible. Blueberry cheese cake. MMMMMMMM.
Anyway, step away from the donuts.
We bought them for our class (dubious of us, is it not). That was pdc (pretty damn cool)
Speaking of class, tom :D I heart him. Hopefully he doesnt read this and have an allergic reaction to blogs. but i heart him. He's sick. its sad. I'm officially trying to convince him to go to vegas with me this summer. HOW SWEET WOULD THAT BEEEEEE??
Pretty sweet.
Anyway class on wednesdays is pretty sweet. Kevin is one of the best instructors i have ever had. I appreciate his knowledge so very much. but aside from actually learning that class is sweet in general. I got to see mike in the hall today, and he came and hung out in class. He is seriously one of the coolest people i have ever known. I miss him a lot and seeing him today only reminded me of that. Even the normal crew in that class is sweet: Me, Tom, Bri, Andrew, Chris, Alex, Paul, Sarah and best of all NO JODI.

Love me, Love me. Say that you'll love me

2008-01-18T20:34:00.000-08:00

Hi.
I hate working.
Don't hate my job.
Just hate working so effing much.
Really.
Really?
Yeah. I just realized today,
I worked EVERY SINGLE DAY
last week.
Really.?
Sucked.
Breaking down.
Thats whats up.

Your Mom

2008-01-14T09:50:00.001-08:00

That's all for now.

Quit playing games with my heart.

2008-01-09T19:37:00.000-08:00

I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU.
Seriously.
I wish I could just tell you how much i think about you.
But i cant.
I'm scared.
I'm scared that you arent going to want me back.
Please want me back.
I deserve to have something work out. thats all.
I just want it to work out.
I've been looking forward to friday for the last week.
I cannot wait to spend time with you.
I reallly like you.
I really like you alot.

H is for HOT!!

2008-01-07T15:11:00.000-08:00

Holy hot guys!!!
Today was an infected wound of hot men.
Hopefully i can stop drooling long enough.
So. here goes.

Last night at work Hot british guy.
Ive realized that most british guys arent hot because of their accent.
They are hotter with their accent.
The end.

Oh today.
Back to school
A la Escuela.
Loooooove it.
I didnt really realize how much i missed school
I miss school.
Anyway.
HOT GUYS
well probably not 'hot'
but hot by my standards.
Im stoked.
And. Tsquared is in my english.
That means Twice a week
Two times
TWO WHOLE TIMES A WEEK
For an hour and a half
I am graced with his prescence.
Pinch me.
:D

I'll keep you posted on the plethra of new oppurtunites that have just arisen in my life :D

I'm not gonna write you a love song

2008-01-06T17:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Chad.

This is one of the letters i told you i write. Yes, one of the letters. Congratulations, you have one dedicated to you. I hoped I would never have to write one to you. But I am. I guess it is what you wanted. Sorry i didnt pick up the hints you were dropping like they were hot.

I had myself convinced that you had an interest in me. but you are typical guy. typical chad. typically not interested. typically not buying what i'm selling. I wanted you to be so much more than typical. I thought you are so much more than typical. It seems like we're so good together. I mean really, we get along great. Maybe i'm wrong. Maybe the teasing that you do you really mean it. Maybe the jokes werent jokes. Maybe fourth was meant to make me feel good. I'm pretty sure those arent maybes. I'm pretty sure those are positives. I'm positve you dont like me as more than me, more than a friend. I guess thats okay. I guess that is what i have to deal with right? You probably wont change your mind. And i can just imagine how great 3, 2, and 1 are. That makes me sad. Really sad. Thinking about how much you dont like me kind of makes me a little more angry than sad. but its not your fault. so i dont think im going to take it out on you.

Its probably me. Its probably my fault. I come on too strong. Thats not your style. I try really hard, if you only knew that i was trying really hard for you, for you to like me. Even if a little; i just really wanted you to like me. But you insisted on letting me down. That has got to be my hint that i'm not picking up right? The fact that you dont really call me at all. You dont usually text me first. You never really seem that enthused to hang out with me anyway, that is when we did actually make plans. I'm kind of let down. We have hung out once by ourselves, for like a half hour. That sucks. What could i possibly been thinking? I seriously should i have not liked you that much for not ever really hanging out with you. But we talk on the phone soooo much. I guess that could just be talking on the phone and not really being friends, or you even liking me. maybe you just answer and talk because you know im going to call/text. The more i read this, and the more i right this i realize i suck. and it is totally my fault you dont like me. you are perfectly nice guy. I'm a shitty girl. I wouldnt like me very much either.

I hope you read this. Bring it up if you do.
Telephones work in both ways.
I'm taking your hint and not calling.

Jordan.

P.s. I miss you, call me.

((untitled))

2007-12-30T18:54:00.000-08:00

If you gave me the chance. I promise you'd love me. How could you not? I know there is someone else, and I know theres a lot of time in between us. I know you'd love me if you gave me the chance. What is really stopping you?

Somebody's me.

2007-12-27T20:40:00.000-08:00

I've cried.
Three times.
One tear for you.
A tear for the one you're leaving.
And a tear for the one who's left behind.
Three tears for you.
Three cheers from me
To you.
Three tears that
I had no pleasure in giving.
Three tears for the song.
With a partial tear or two
To wallow, and dedicate.
I've cried.
Three whole times.
Three real cries.
Distributing relentlessly
My cries for me,
Guilding them as cries for you.
Oh, to end this lunacy.
Oh, for you to dedicate
Three cries to me.
In a selfless bound
No rules will apply.
A selfless bound only
will it take for you to cry.
Oh, to end this lunacy.
Oh, to sleep for one crazy night.
In time,
In passing,
And once in the early bite of morning.
Please, please, please
Cry your Cries in threes.
Cry your unseen cries for me.
Oh, to cry as many as I.
Oh, for you to really feel.
Cry at least one cry for me.
Cry just once
Allow me to see.
I've cried.
Three times multiplied by years.
I've cried.
Three times it takes to realize
I'm the one leaving
I'm the one left behind
I'm the one hurting.
Three times.
I've cried.

Save tonight, Fight the break of Dawn

2007-12-25T19:48:00.000-08:00

This is a compilation Mix of my ADHD.

Go.

Christmas, was today.
Man, this is a good song.
Janet, by The Format.
They rock.
Back to Christmas.
Lost the cookie contest.
Didn't even place.
Bummer.
Competitivity,
thats probably not a word,
on christmas = not fun.
Melissa is out of town.
I miss her.
I want to play Roller Coaster Tycoon.
I beat a level yesterday.
That was pretty much the highlight.
Well that, and I got a sweeet
hat and scarf.
But I knew I was going to get them.
I think Christmas loses its materialistic importance
as we age.
When you stop believing that Santa is real,
God, shuffle is amazing.
Pandora is SWEET at shuffle.
Anyway, back to Santa.
Just kidding.
I'm tired.
I have to work tmorrow.
Sad :(
I'm taking Zach to get games
for the Wii.
We got a Wii!!.
Its fun watching mom play.
Almost as fun as watching
Grandpa play guitar hero.
Thats funny shit.
He didnt play today.
But i played, for the first time ever
Its hard :(
I suck at it.
Oh well
Merry Christmas.
I'm going to bed.
Actually, i'm going to call chad.
No suprise there.
g'night.

This, is going to be interesting.

2007-12-24T19:07:00.000-08:00

In true christmas eve tradition, I cannot sleep.
Big Fucking Suprise.
With that said
I'm going to say this
I'm freaking bored, and
Nothing exciting is happening on facebook.
With that said
In the consistancy of my life
that makes me really super cool today
and pretty much the same amount of cool
as any other day.

So, basically, to sum it all up
I'm going to be concieted
and write about my self.
I feel as though I need a new
'about me' section.
Let me check...
Yep..
Still Lame.
Life goes on.

A is for Awesome,
B ecause lets face it, I am.
C rap I'm already out of ideas.
D amn I suck at creating about me's.
E eventually I'll say something clever.
F inally, an Idea.
G reat, that is what I am.
H ot, don't forget, I'm pretty Hot too.
I don't want to sound to full of myself. So I'll keep it simple.
J ordan Ashleigh, << Tis me.
K ool-aide, shit, that was
L ame, I'm lame
M ost of the time.
N ot really.
O ld school hip hop is
P retty much Amazing.
Q uitting, this soon is probably a good idea.
R eally?!? ((courtesy a la Bronwyn))
S hort is something I'm not.
T all is something I am. Yo
U should have stopped reading this along time ago. These are just
V ague details.
W ow, you're still reading.
X ylophone. Does anything else really start with X?
Z ippers, I don't really have an oppinion about zippers.
&
Now you've heard my abc's :D

Okay.
Wow.
Merry Christmas.

Somethin' 'bout the midwest, honey.

2007-12-20T14:18:00.000-08:00

I'm so FUCKING over Chad.
Just an F.Y.I.
This feeling may not be limited to Chad
but it is definitely generated by Chad.
FUCK YOU CHAD!!
Quit Ditching Me.
You either want me,
or you dont.
GOD FORBID
any man know what they want
Really.?!?
Really.!?!
Stop being dumb.
Stop sucking.
Stop being a Douche.

I don't know how to juggle chainsaws.

2007-12-12T05:22:00.000-08:00

I dont really think i have ever EVER been this insecure with my life. I dont know what is going to happen to me. Nobody knows what is going to happen to them all the time, but they at least have some idea. I think someone else should put something HUGE on plate. Throw one more chainsaw for me to juggle. I don't want to juggle. I dont know how to juggle. and i dont want to learn. DAMN IT. I'm missing some key ingredients to my life, and i dont know what i'm going to do if i dont get those ingredients soon. You would think that something could go right for me. I miss being happy. i miss things working out. I miss knowing what is going to happen to me. I miss my life because what i'm doing right now can hardly be called a life.

I want another corndog. . . .

2007-12-08T14:58:00.000-08:00

CrazyJD0073 (5:52:57 PM): i want another corn dog
CrazyJD0073 (5:53:03 PM): but ive already had two
CrazyJD0073 (5:53:31 PM): to get a 3rd corndog
CrazyJD0073 (5:53:37 PM): or not to get a 3rd corn dog
CrazyJD0073 (5:53:42 PM): that is the question
melissaroonie (5:53:56 PM): lol
melissaroonie (5:53:58 PM): good question
CrazyJD0073 (5:54:26 PM): answer......
CrazyJD0073 (5:55:18 PM): answer is a weird word
CrazyJD0073 (5:55:25 PM): am i spelling it right?
CrazyJD0073 (5:55:43 PM): because when yousay it, it definately isnt spelled like that
CrazyJD0073 (5:55:50 PM): thats frustrating
melissaroonie (5:56:00 PM): what what??
CrazyJD0073 (5:56:07 PM): answer
CrazyJD0073 (5:56:19 PM): it doesnt sound like it should
CrazyJD0073 (5:56:23 PM): like when you say it
CrazyJD0073 (5:56:29 PM): an-sir
CrazyJD0073 (5:56:31 PM): swer?
CrazyJD0073 (5:56:42 PM): who the FUCK thought of that
CrazyJD0073 (5:57:10 PM): seriously, they're probably dead by now, but if they weren't i would expect them to get shot
melissaroonie (5:57:38 PM): hahahhahahahaha
melissaroonie (5:57:41 PM): hahahahahhahahahahahaha

To you, From The Heartborken

2007-12-05T12:29:00.000-08:00

My Dearest _ _ _ _,
You suck. You really, really suck. I don't like you. I don't like the things you talk about. You're dumb. You're dumb, and I don't like you. You are just comfortable. That's all you are to me.. comfort. Comfort. I can't talk to you... about anything. We have so very little in common that it blows my mind when i sit and think about it. Ha. Ha. It is blowing my mind right now. You have NOTHING that i want besides the comfort that you offer. I'm not all that attracted to you. We don't really talk about anything. We don't go on dates. Your friends don't really like me. My friends don't really like you, even a little. The only things i can ever say about you are bad. Over the years you've made me cry, and caused me more grief than ANYONE else I've ever been with or even known. You hurt me the most. THE MOST. doesn't that really suck to hear. Well as much as it sucks to hear it sucks as much, if not more, to say. Say, Ha. That's funny. When someone uses the word 'say' it usually implies talking and we don't talk. WE DON'T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING IMPORTANT OR REAL. I don't care what you think and who you compare me to with the amount of talking that they do with you, but as for us are concerned we don't talk enough. Seriously, seriously. I could never EVER tell you this stuff to your face because i cant stand to hurt you. As a matter of fact i would do anything not to hurt you. Even if i get hurt, which has been a common theme in our interaction. I GET HURT. no matter what happens i get hurt and, you, you don't feel anything. I have never believed you when you've told me you love me. I have never believed you once. That sucks. You suck. This whole mess that you put me through sucks.
I'm writing you this for you to see. but i know you'll never see it. You'll never even look for it. You wont' know anything is wrong. Maybe one day you'll know how mad I am, and how different everything is now between us. Maybe one day you're going to get it, and for your sake i hope it is soon. You cant treat people the way that you've treated me and expect them to stay around forever. You can't ask that of me, and i can't do it anymore. I'm leaving. I'm not calling. I'm not instant messaging. I'm not trying. this is my goodbye. Last night was the straw that broke the camels back. I'm not that girl anymore, _ _ _ _. I'm not the girl i used to be in eighth grade, that summer before our freshman year when i so foolishly fell in love with you. I'm not the girl you dumped because your friends told you to. Or the girl who was your first kiss the summer of sophomore year. I'm not the girl you didn't take to formal, or the girl you lied to about prom. I'm not the same girl who's hand you wouldn't hold at school, or even really acknowledged. I'm not the girl who's graduation party that you skipped and your mommy came for you. I'm not the girl who you lost your virginity to and I'm not the girl you went on your first date with. I'm the girl who is done taking it, who is done taking all of the crap that you deal me. And when you can be the guy, who loves this new woman that I've become I'll be ready to meet you. I'll give you a hug and a kiss and I'll stop myself from falling in love all over again. When you become the person who can really love someone, I'm not going to be there. You've wasted to much precious time in my heart, I can't do this anymore. I'm done with us.

Goodbye _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _, please remember that I will always love you, You're always going to be my first love.

Today was Cookie Day

2007-12-04T18:35:00.000-08:00

Today the sun almost shown through the clouds.
Almost.
I say almost because it really wasnt a sunny day.
It wasnt a good day, well it could have been,
it semmed to have had potential last night.
But I know when I get up in the morning and its too warm to get out of my bed, that the only place I'm going to want to be the rest of the day is in my bed. In all honesty. I probably could have stayed there.
Ugh
***To be continued***

Long, So Long, Overdue (myspace blog)

2007-11-30T20:54:00.000-08:00

I dont know if you knew this, but i was doing pretty okay with out you. Thanks for fucking it up. Thanks for storming back into my life. You're a hurricane building from a central, amazingly calm, point to a disaster waiting to happen.
You know, that you ruined my life for a little bit, right? The way you took everything and just shook it up and dumped it out, and the way you gave up on me. The way you fucking left me, for nothing. You left me for nothing, well something. You left me for her word, not even a good friend of yours. You know how bad that seriously sucks. Do you really understand how crushed i was. i put up with so much garabage for so long and then you fucking decided it would all end up being my fault. Yeah, well seriously, Fuck You for that. It was your fault. YOUR FAULT. If i had done something worthy of you hurting me so bad i wouldnt blame the whole damn thing on you. But I didnt, and now I'm going to blame it on you. It was your fault.
I know you're not going to read this, because this stuff isnt important to you, and you dont pay that much attention to me anyway, but i just want to let you know that I could still love you again. Now that you keep bringing it up, and shoving it in my face, I'm going to love you again. I'm going to get hurt agian. Its going to be your fault, and this time, maybe this time i wont forget it so easily. Maybe i wont get hurt, I doubt it. But i'm going to fall in love with you one more time. and maybe, maybe this time I'm wrong.

About today

2007-11-29T10:23:00.000-08:00

I hate money. Money sucks. Money hurts. Money shouldn't exist. Money is emotionally expensive.

But without money I can't survive. I can't go to school. I can't go to see my friends. I can't own things. Its not only me, its everyone. Without money nothing works.

Money drives me crazy. Everytime I turn around it is taken away from me. My time is my money, that is why I work. It is why I learn about carseats for 5 hours. It is why I have to do so many things that I don't really want to do.

Money is corrupt and Sick. It doesn't work now, and it never will.

I only find it neccessary to have a blog

2007-11-28T17:56:00.000-08:00

I have unofficially reached the breaking point of my life.
The point where my life is made and discovered
or forced to create a pile of ruin on the floor.
Desperately I don't want to be come the pathetic girl
who wasted her potential.

Why blog..?

Here is my logic, I waste 80% of my days on computers,
therefore, carrying a journal just isnt practical.
With that said I feel like I'm wasting my life.
Lets be honest, I'm not, I know that I'm not.
But there are days (not different from today)
Where I'm just broken, and
how do you maintain your purpose when you are broken.
If you know, tell me.

I have had
THE WORST COUPLE OF DAYS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE
these last few days have been hell.
It kind of sucks.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll elaborate
Mabye even later tonight.
Maybe it will be okay.